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 So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!

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Dr.Greenthumb
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PostSubject: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm

Son in law


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when
he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Sat Feb 21, 2009 3:41 pm

I got this in an email:


Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;




Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair ... . . Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

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Killer*Jz(crs)
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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Sat Feb 21, 2009 4:25 pm

Emergency Flashers

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road; carefully,
got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men; unfolded them and
stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!
They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life-like men.
And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking toward me.
I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?' 'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him.
'Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'
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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Sun Feb 22, 2009 12:51 am

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.


A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Sun Feb 22, 2009 1:12 am

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"


A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."


A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"



A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Sun Feb 22, 2009 1:36 am

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn�t because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, Im sorry, I think he's too far in.

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!


Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'


A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.



A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Sun Feb 22, 2009 2:24 pm

LOL

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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Mon Feb 23, 2009 8:06 am

im loving this, this is good. YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUKIN BITCH. lol i got one. this one time i was just walking along and i tried to cross the street when a big truck ran me over and i was like , "hey!! i was walking here" and nobody said anything. lol

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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Wed Feb 25, 2009 11:30 pm

OMG Triggy baby!
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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Fri Feb 27, 2009 7:12 am


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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Tue Mar 31, 2009 7:45 pm

MEN ARE HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES:

> If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
>
> If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
>
>
> EATING OUT:
>
> a.. When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
> b.. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
> MONEY:
>
> a.. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> b.. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
>
> BATHROOMS:
>
> a.. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ...
> b.. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
>
> ARGUMENTS:
>
> a.. A woman has the last word in any argument
> b.. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
> FUTURE:
>
> a.. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> b.. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> SUCCESS:
>
> a.. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> b.. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
> MARRIAGE:
>
> a.. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> b.. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
>
> DRESSING UP:
>
> a.. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
> b.. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>
> NATURAL:
>
> a.. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> b.. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
> OFFSPRING:
>
> a.. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> b.. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Wed Apr 01, 2009 10:25 am

What do you do when a Epileptic has a siezure in a bathtub?

























"THROW IN A LOAD OF WASH"
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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Thu Apr 02, 2009 10:26 am

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

EXCELLENT !!!!! hahahahahahahahahaha lost my shit LoL
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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Thu Apr 02, 2009 10:34 am

oh my god that was hilllllllarioussss!!

good one!
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PostSubject: Re: So how bout a joke/prank thread and striclty jokes and pranks only!   Thu Apr 02, 2009 10:37 am

Was not mine tho quoted it from hairyberries LOL
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